Moonglasses

Sunglasses can make you look really really cool, like that guy over there  ---> (incidentally, my roomate). That said, there's something important to watch out for when considering how to choose your pair of image-enhancing vision-dimmers.

First and foremost, make sure you're familiar with the historical reason why people first started wearing sunglasses way back when: because it was sunny out. When it was dark, they wore a different type of sunglasses. Obviously, this distinction doesn't exist anymore in our society but there is one massive inference we can draw from this.

MASSIVE INFERENCE 

1. Sunglasses should have lenses. If they don't have lenses, they're just a pair of tiny pasta strainers you've put on your face, not sunglasses.

Non-Sequitur: If anyone ever says the words "Stunner Shades" (or any dialectical variation thereof) in front of me, I will gouge out your eyes with a zeppelin. 

Sorry this post was sort of short. I'm a bit rushed today by Events Not Related To Fashion. 

Pants, and Why You Should Wear Them (Normally)

Perhaps the garment that's most strongly a representation of your manliness is your pants. There're so many options, too. Even just within the category of jeans, there're tons of ways to dress your bottom half, from "boot-cut" jeans for the modern cowboy, to the oxymoronic "low-rise" jeans for those not quite tall enough to be a high-rise. Let's take a look at some of the different ways you can drape cloth around your legs.

The Army-Man
So you want to look like Mark Wahlberg from Shooter, do you? Cargo pants are ok, I guess, but they're definitely function over style. Come on, if I can do better, you can do better. What are you carrying in your pockets anyways? Flocks of sheep? What this style says: "I'm either a nerd or have delusions of badass-ness. Or both."

The Low(er) Rise
"Dude...your pants are falling down. Dude...DUDE!" I was about to write that this was sort of a thing of the past, but then I looked to my right, and caught an eyeful of red-and-black checker boxers. Lame. This has to be the stupidest style ever. Call it gender-bias, but I don't think that man-ass needs to be on display. What this style says: "I'm totally counterculture...look at my underpants!"

The Scotsman
All fighting-men should wear this symbol of badassery. Enough said. What this style says: "I may look goofy, but while you're laughing, I'll be slicing your throat with my dirk. ps. I'm not wearing underwear." Note: Not for daily-wear.

The Emo/Scene-Kid
Do you like having your nether regions squeezed uncomfortably all day long? No? Oh. Well do you like decreased mobility in your legs and a permanent wedgie? No? Well, then why the hell are you wearing tight pants?!? What this style says: "The pain these pants inflict on my groin is representative of my deep emotional suffering. What? Of course I comment on youtube videos all the time. Why do you ask?"

Normal Pants
Come on, guys. It's not that hard to find a normal pair of pants or jeans. I really don't understand why guys would go out of their way to look goofy when it's far easier, more comfortable, and just as fashionable to dress normally. What this style says: "I have no delusions of badass-ness, my underpants stay under the pants, I'm not going to kill you with my dirk, and I don't comment on youtube videos."

Half of being a stylish man is being (or, in a pinch, appearing) apathetic. If you wear something besides normal pants, you violate this basic tenet. Don't gamble on your masculinity, put on some normal pants.

Let's Take It From The Top

I'm not generally a fan of hats, though that might stem from the fact that I look terrible in them. I'd probably only wear one if my life depended on it. Despite my personal bias, though, I'll try to be open-minded about hats and give some real, practical advice. Here're a few situations where hats are appropriate, and a few where they aren't:

When Hats Are Appropriate:

1. If you're otherwise irrevocably badass.
2. If your job requires you to wear a hat.
3. If you're the Pope.

When Hats Aren't Appropriate:

1. If you look anything like this. 

All joking aside, in the end you just need to know if you can pull off the look. There's no formula for hat-wearing; you just need to experiment and find out what works for you. Type of hat--in the abstract--isn't as important as whether the hat-style is appropriate for your situation. Don't wear a giant cowboy hat to the movies, a bowler to a BK, or a flat cap unless you're from the 20's. Remember, though, that hats are a non-essential garment, so when in doubt, throw that hat out.

Stickers: A Shift in Consumption Style or Just Pretty?

Let me also remark on something that I've never quite understood. There's, you know, that sort of hat with the flat brim from which people never seem to take off the sticker. Seriously, there's a whole generation who seems to have forgotten to take off the packaging. What's with that? I'm not exactly a shopping guru (...or am I?), but I thought that if you didn't take off the tag it meant you were going to return the item. Is there an entire subculture lurking among us who subscribes to a paradigm of transient hat ownership? Or is it just that stickers make things prettier? Seriously, someone help me out. I'm baffled. 

Staring Into The Abyss

Clothing is a weird concept. How is it that whatever fabric we happen to drape around ourselves ultimately tells others more about us more rapidly (and sometimes more powerfully) than anything we say? Did you notice that the picture at the top (which I drew!) doesn't actually have a person in it? 

The concept of clothing as a part of humanity is so firmly entrenched in our psyche that you probably already started anthropomorphizing that guy up there, didn't you? 

That's why you need my apathetic, ragamuffin's perspective on fashion. I'm so un-hip my left leg is on the right side.

Ok, I don't consider myself that unfashionable. I have a couple shirts and every now and then I change pants, but it usually comes out looking decent. That said, I've certainly never obsessed over fashion: it's this sort of thing that I've never understood. Why would you try so hard to look like you aren't trying? Why not just...not try. Wouldn't that make more sense? 

That's why I'm making this blog. Consider it an amateur attempt at The Urban Gentleman for real people. I'm not guaranteeing great (or even serious) advice, but I can promise discerning insights common sense and an entertaining dose of irreverence for my subject material. Buckle up: we're plunging into The Fashion Abyss.